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    Why One Ring Cannot Rule Them All

    Posted at 18:19 on 30 Dec 2013 by Nimue Allen

    So, over on fetlife there has been some interesting discussions going on around appropriate behaviour when wanting to play with someone when out at a club. The three posts were titled"Why I will never ask your Dom for permission" (the post that started it all, and has since been deleted), "Why I will always ask your Dom for permission", and "Your Kink Is Not My Community Standard".

    All three threads have some interesting points, and I have been thinking about where I stand on these matters.

    The first post basically stated that the writer would not play with someone where he had to ask that person's dominant partner for permission to play. And I can understand where he was coming from. I agreed with some of his points (that permission for sub b to play should be discussed between sub b and Dom A, without the need for anyone else to be involved in the discussion), but disagreed with others (ie, just because you're asking Dom A to play with their submissive b, doesn't put you in a position of being submissive to Dom A)

    The second post stated that it is polite to enquire of the person you're looking to play with, if you are required to seek permission of their dominant, or other partner before you play. And that this is just general good manners.

    The third post talked about how problematic either of the above approaches can be. Just because we are all "kinky", doesn't mean that we are all in D/s or M/s relationships, and doesn't mean that you can assume that people are in that type of a relationship, or what role they play in that relationship.

    I don't think that there is a correct answer to this, beyond talk to the person you want to play with and find out if they are in a relationship and if they need you to talk to their partners before playing.

    In a D/s relationship, it is entirely reasonable for a submissive to require permission from their Dom before playing with others. It's also entirely reasonable that if we are out at a club, people don't assume that just because they see me bottoming to The Boss, they have to ask his permission to play with me. If you ask me directly, I can tell you whether this is an evening where we have agreed that I am entirely focussed on him, or if this is an evening where we have agreed that I'm allowed to wonder, and if so, what conditions there are on that wondering! I can even tell you if I feel like playing, and most importantly, if I feel like playing with you. Those last two things are things he cannot tell you. And those last two things are very important to the one big thing that you'll need to be able to play with me..... my consent.

    I know there are submissives and slaves who are in dynamics where they have given up any right to have any say in who plays with them, and in what ways and that is a valid relationship choice. But someone who is in that dynamic will be able to tell you that is the case, and can direct you to their owner to talk more about playing with them.

    I guess what my ramblings come down to is the fact that no one is ever going to be happy, as we have two opposing relationship/permission styles going on. But approaching the submissive/bottom you want to play with and allowing them to tell you what needs to be done to allow that to happen, seems to me, the best approach to avoid pissing anyone off by making assumptions. And accept, that just because you run your relationship one way, doesn't mean that everyone else does, and don't expect the rest of the world to tailor their interactions around you.

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